Underwear

I know, it's been awhile, but I'm getting older and my mind's slower than it used to be. Ok, not really. Honestly, I just haven't been inspired to vent. Until yesterday.
I was getting ready for work, and knowing it was going to be an exceptionally long day, I always put a bit of thought into comfort. Is what I'm putting on now going to be comfortable in 16 hours?
Amazingly, I spend at least as much time choosing what underwear I am wearing as I do my clothes!
I started with the panty drawer. I wisely chose my favorite pair of panties--they stay put without cutting into your flesh. I really don't think that's too much to ask. Growing up in a family of women (and actually being a woman), I feel knowledgeable enough on the subject of women's undergarments to speak about it. I think every woman I know has panties she prefers and panties she avoids. My question is this--why is it only women's panties that seem to crawl up the posterior end of the wearer? And why is it that you can buy a package of three pairs of panties and still prefer one over the other two?
Every woman I know has panties she saves for laundry day or "that time of the month." Other women save those rotten critters for when they go on vacation, so they can just throw them away at the end of the day.
I have been married for close to 30 years and never once have I ever heard my husband say, "Hey honey, can you do some laundry? All my good skivvies are in the wash." There may be particular style he prefers, such as tighty whiteys or boxers or boxer briefs, but certainly not favorite individual pairs of underwear.
I mean why is that? It seems to me a butt is a butt. I know for a fact my hubby doesn't have tape on the of his booty that holds his underwear down. Is it that women are so worried about what their panties look like that underwear makers have completely given up on comfort? Well, this old lady wants comfort over beauty. Frankly, very few people see my panties. If burlap was comfortable and stayed put, that would be fine with me. (Okay, maybe burlap in lovely colors and pretty pictures on it.)

New Pet Peeve

Ok, I have new pet peeve.
I was browsing through some advertisements for swimming suits and decided to look at the "plus sized fashions." Why do they have size 0-2 models modeling "plus-sized" fashions. Seriously??? Do they think no one can tell the difference between a size 2 and a size 20? The worst thing is, some of those suits are not at all flattering on those stick bodies. It may actually look good on curves, but girls shaped like pencils look heavy in them. Are they trying to sell these creations?
If you are going to try a sell a fat girl a swim suit, try showing what it looks like on a fat girl. If it looks like crap on a stick, even a fat chick won't pick it up.

I am H.O.T.!

There was a time not very long ago I would have loved to have been called hot. Now I know what the letters H-O-T really stand for...Hormonal, Old and Testy.
Since entering my mid-forties (still significantly younger than my sisters), my hormones have run completely amok. I am constantly flipping from being cold to sweltering. My temperature varies by 30 degrees from moment to moment. I can go four days with approximately 3 hours of sleep because I find myself wide awake at 1 a.m. and unable to go back to sleep until about 5:30 a.m., by which time my husband is up and being his usual silent self. (Add sarcasm dripping from my voice here.)
Along with hormones that are acting like a fish on the bank, I also have to deal with flesh on my hands which have the consistency of a paper towel. Grocery bags now leave bruises on my delicate arms. My lovely daughter says, "Man, I hope I don't have those old-ass looking hands." (Guess what baby. Heredity is hell and God has a sense of humor, twisted as it may sometimes be. I mean seriously, anyone who can come up with menopause must be a little twisted.) My eyes are now virtually worthless. I am too near-sighted to see past my nose and too far sighted to see within two feet of my face. Hmmm... A dilemma.
So now I have flip-flopping hormones and an old body. I guess it's no wonder I'm testy. Yes, I prefer the term testy to grouchy, cranky or bitchy. If you don't care for the term, then just bite me.

Obsession

Okay. I am once again immersed in a food obsession. Every time I decide I MUST lose weight, I become obsessed. Today I am very proud because I have already drunk (wish I were) a bottle of water and am currently chowing down on a wrap made up of spinach leaves, grilled chicken and a sprinkle of cheese. (Hey, don't judge. I had to make it edible!) My enjoyment of spinach leaves does concern me a little though. So, when I get hungry in the middle of the afternoon, will I be tempted to snack on house plants? However, the good thing about spinach leaves is that I'm pretty sure if spinach is part of a wrap, it has like negative fat and calories.
I have come up with a list of negative calorie foods. (Okay, they're not really, but they definitely should be.) 1) Celery. If eaten alone, the eater should be able to subtract a significant number of calories, for several reasons. One, it doesn't taste particularly good. Two, it requires more energy chewing and biting than being taken in. Three, I'm pretty sure it requires a lot to digest. 2) Rice cakes. Seriously?? Even "flavored" rice cakes (and I use the term loosely) are not particularly good. I recently bought some apple cinnamon rice cakes at the suggestion of my husband who said, "These are a great snack and they're filling!" He's a liar. They are neither great nor filling. They are however edible if smothered in peanut butter.
The exercise part is what I hate! Weebles don't do exercise very well. Ever seen a Weeble on a stationary bike? No? There's a reason for that. Sadly, there are many exercises I'm not even capable of performing. I've been at it for more than a month, yet I still can't do a lunge without holding on to something. (Maybe if I were a better Catholic and had more practice genuflecting...)
My muscles are completely freaking out. Some days, I am sore in places I didn't even realize there were muscles!! My stomach muscles have become much stronger (though honestly, you can't feel them unless you manage to get past the several inches of padding surrounding them) and I can just about open a jar with my rear end! (Unfortunately it doesn't look any better.) Walking I am capable of but honestly, it is no fun. Even standing in front of a television it is boring.

Black Friday

You know, I would seriously have to be paid at least triple digits to be enticed to go shopping on Black Friday. I went out one time and it will never happen again. There is a reason why people are killed by being stampeded to death or having large shelves fall on them. Not only are the crowds uncontrollable, but the attitudes are nasty and greedy. I don't have 1,000 of my closest friends I want to shop with the day after Thanksgiving. I hate shopping in optimal conditions (i.e. I am in the store alone, everything I want is at my fingertips and my parking space is right outside the door), much less with a billion people being hateful, grabby and ready to throw you in front of a passing motorist if you dare look at the item they are after.

Men & Doctors

What exactly is it with men and doctors?
I used to think it was just my husband who found it impossible to leave the doctor's office with any semblance of important information. I have now found it is apparently ALL men and ALL doctors.
When my children were little, I used to hate having my husband take them to the doctor. His day off was during the week, so you would think that would be the best time to schedule well-baby check-ups, etc. NO! It drove me crazy to have him come home with no information at all. How much does Junior weigh? I don't know. How tall is Junior? I don't know. Does Junior have medicine to take? Yes. What is it? I don't know. What is it for? I don't know.
I then turn to my three year old. Are you on medicine? Yes. What kind? The pink kind. What for? An ear infection.
I mean seriously! How sad is it that I can get more info from a three year old than a grown man? What did he do? Send him back to the room alone? If he went back there with him, what was he doing?
Now, I know it is apparently all men and all doctors. Recently my boss took the office cat to the vet. As he was sitting on Cat forcing a pill down his throat I asked what he was giving Cat. I don't know. What's wrong with Cat? I don't know.
You would think if anyone had a fear of doctors, it would be women. I mean, men may have to have their dangly parts cupped and told to turn their heads and cough, but women have to have their breasts put on a plate and smashed to a 1/4 inch thick. Plus, I have a doctor who likes to do spontaneous paps. Me: Hi doctor. My shoulder hurts. Dr: Oh, let me just do a quick pap and see what the problem is.
Personally, I had never thought to look at a shoulder through the vagina. Dumb me.

Say This...Not That

I don't profess to be Miss Manners or anything, but I swear, some people need a primer on how to give compliments. I am here to provide a couple of suggestions.
1) A qualified compliment is probably not much of a compliment. Example: Say, "You are really smart." Not, "You are book smart." When you tell someone they are book smart, you are actually saying, you don't have the sense God gave a goose, but you can do math (or history, English, literature, etc.). In every other respect you are dumb as a box of rocks. 2) Avoid comparing the person to others. Example: Say, "You are looking good." Not, "Compared to Bertha, you are a twig." This tells the person, "Up until today, I had thought you were the fattest person on the planet. Now, unbelievably, I have found I am wrong. There is another person even fatter than you." 3) Avoid comparing others to someone/something which is obviously horrible. Example: Say, "Do you do something different with your hair?" Not, "Are you trying to look like Einstein with that 'do?" 4) Avoid using ambiguous words. Example: Say, "You have really good muscle tone." Not, "You're really solid." Is that even a compliment? What does it mean? 5) Avoid using words which are generally construed as uncomplimentary terms. Example: Say, "You have beautifully shaped calves." Not, "You have meaty calves." There is no part of a woman's body she wants referred to as meaty.
Basically, I think Thumper said it best in Bambi, "If you can't say nothin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."