First, I have to say I have come to a stunning revelation. I hate dieting.
I know, you're thinking, 'DUH!"
I have always told myself dieting isn't that bad and the end result is worth it. Now I know that once you hit 40, there is no end result. You are doomed to stay fat forever. Oh, there are a number of diets and weight loss plans out there, but are they things you can live with? Me? Heck no!
First, there's the Atkins Diet. Well, I just must say there is not a snowball's chance in...a very hot place...that I would ever survive that diet. If I can't have pasta, bread, potatoes, etc., I'd rather be dead. While some women (okay, normal women) may crave chocolate, I crave pasta. Pasta is my comfort food. Had a bad day? Fettucine alfredo will make everything okay. To me, a life without carbs is not worth living. Just kill me now.
Then there are the diet pills advertised on TV. They get your attention by saying things like, "lose weight while you sleep" or "no exercise required." Then, they get someone who is apparently an auctioneer in real life to tell you about the "side affects." Even though I can't understand half of what they're saying a few phrases do pop out. Phrases like "uncontrollable," greasy stools" and anal leakage." WHAT? Are you telling me that while I am embarassed to have my cellulite seen by the general public, it will not bother me to have my backside stained by greasy, leaking stool? Why do I want to lose weight in the first place? With that medication, even if you're thin, no one will know it because you can't leave the bathroom for fear of having an uncontrollable explosion in your pants.
How about Weight Watchers? I know this has been very successful for many, many people. As for me, I will not even weigh at my doctor's office, much less in front of a group of people. I try to distract GOD when I am getting on the scales at home. NO ONE is allowed to know my weight, so again, the chances of my participating in this particular method are extremely slim. (No pun intended.)
Those who tried the phen-phen diet lost a ton of weight (both figuratively and literally). They also have horrible health issues now related to using that particular method of weight loss. (I guess as your body decomposes, you do indeed begin to weigh less, but...)
Then there's the fad diets...cabbage soup (not even an Irish girl can live on that), Negative Calorie Diet (is that like stirring your food with a magic spoon?), Apple Cider Vinegar Diet (can I just say, YUCK!) Israeli Army Diet Plan. With the last one you have two days each of apples (gives you runs), then cheese (to bind you back up), then chicken (to make you cluck), then salad (again with the mass amounts of fiber, thus the runs).
Well, I guess I should just be happy. I mean overweight people are notoriuosly friendly and well-liked, right? Look at the many examples through history...Santa Claus, Cupid, Michelin Man, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Campbell Soup Kids, Chef Boyardee--all happy, smiling, friendly. Heck, even the Hamburger Helper hand is happy and he is even missing a finger!
Thin is evil...Father Time-skinny old man who makes you old, too, Sandman-Skinny psycho lugging around bags of sand to throw in your eyes, Tooth Fairy-stealing kids' teeth in the middle of the night, Batman's nemesis The Scarecrow, Count Dracula... You're seeing the pattern here.
Better to be fat and loved by all than skinny and despised by all the fat people.
