Target

I think Target is bad for you.
I recently went to the new Target that opened close to my house. I, of course, went for a reason, to get a witch's hat for Halloween. I figured while I was there I would check out the new digs.
Actually, the devil lives in the Dollar Spot at Target. How do I know this? Because I am now compelled to purchase things I neither need, nor have ever wanted before. Case in point. While passing the Dollar Spot, I decided to peek in see what there was. There were cute little Halloween kitchen towels. One had a ghost, the other a black cat or something. First of all, I'm not the kind of person who does fun decorating. I admire those who do, but I am not one of them. I am more a practical, no-nonsense, garage sales of America kind of decorator. I put up a Christmas tree at Christmas, but that's about it. I do not decorate for Halloween.
Unfortuantely, I also can't pass up a good deal. Two towels for $1?? That's wonderful. Oh, look at the little t-shirts for babies! My great nephew desperately needs one!! Look!! Headbands for 50¢!! They're so cute! (Even though I wear glasses and wearing a headband at the same time breaks the laws of ears.)
Basically, what I'm saying is I came home with a bag of crap because it was a good deal!!! (Is it still a good deal if you never needed or wanted the item in the first place? I think not.) The devil lives there. He is making you buy a bunch of crap that will soon disappear, never to be seen again. It will never be seen and you will never notice it is gone because YOU NEVER WANTED OR NEEDED IT TO BEGIN WITH!!!
My nephew now has a new seasonal t-shirt he may or may not have ever been able to wear. My dog has a new scarf. My kitchen has new towels. My hair has a new headband and my checking account has a negative balance.
Yes, the devil definitely lives in the Dollar Spot. I wonder what they'll have for Thanksgiving?

Cold

I'm getting really tired of my house being cold.
Now I know sometimes when I'm hot, it's just me. I'm pretty sure that's not the case with cold. How do I know it's cold in my house. There are signs.
1) My entire family is dressed in layers. Of sweats. All the time. Even sleeping.
2) None of us want to get up in the morning. Ever. Now, I know everyone is comfy in their warm bed, but it has really gotten ridiculous at my house. The alarm goes off. It continues going off. Continues. Continues. Why do I not shut it off? That would mean I had to remove my arm from the blankets. It's not happening. Despite the fact that I am awake and dreaming I had a warm cup of coffee, I am not going into the frigid air just to retrieve it. I really have to go to the bathroom. Thinking about the warmth of wetting the bed it starting to sound good. Changing my mind at the last minute because I know it would just turn cold. And wet.
3) Lying completely still as you sleep because any movement causes you to leave your already warmed spot on the mattress.
4) Watching TV completely wrapped in a fleece blanket. Watching the same channel all evening because you don't want to put your hand out of the blanket to hit the buttons on the remote control.
5) Ending up sleeping in the chair because you can't bring yourself to run to your bedroom.
6) You're afraid to wash your hair because it may freeze.
I think maybe it's time to turn on the furnace.

Critters

I was looking at a friend's blog who has pictures of her little weiner dog swaddled in a towel. She says the dog drags the towel to the people and whines until she is picked up, swaddled and held like a baby. She asked if the dog was spoiled. Well, YES!!!
However, if you think about, many of us spoil our pets in all kinds of ways. I am not ashamed to admit I have hopelessly spoiled several of my pets over the years. Some of them are not even MY pets!
I currently work in an office where a cat resides. I constantly tease my boss about how the cat has him trained to do his bidding. Now, Boss is out of town. Guess who is doing Cat's bidding? Yeah, that's right. It's me. Cat walks over, "Meow." I virtually leap out of my chair to let him out. Walk to the front door, open it. The cat looks at me as if I am the most ignorant creature on the planet. Again, "Meow."
I run to his bowl to check and see if there is food in it. There is. I pick up the bowl and shake it (presumably to make him think it is now fresh). Again with the look of disdain. I walk to the back door. Open it. Wait. The cat walks towards the door. Slowly. I wait. And wait. He takes a detour. I wait. He wanders ever so slowly in the general direction of the door. I wait. At the last minute, he decides it is just too painful to watch my excitement as I think I finally know what he wants. He turns away and walks the other direction.
Now, I am watching him, mouth agape. I cannot believe I fell for that again! Did I just see his shoulders shake? I did!! He is snickering at me. Dirty, rotten, rat *&^$^&%!!!!! Just for that he will get only three treats instead of five! Take that you rotten cat!
At home, I have a little precious dog and two cats. My little dog is cute, sweet and loveable. For the most part, he is very obedient. (Dogs live to please. Cats live to be pleased.) However, I still hop up to do his bidding. He scratches on doors he wishes were open. I immediately open them. If he is outside and decides it's time to come in, all it takes is a single "Yap!" Either my husband or myself will jump up to let him in. Now, in the case of dogs, you don't feel quite so stupid, because they are pretty much willing to give their lives for you. Cats on the other hand, would throw you under a bus in a heartbeat to avoid anything bad happening to them. Actually, I think they find it amusing to see how badly they can treat a human and still get rewarded. Many times I have walked past Cat only to have him reach out with his claws and grab my leg. Or grab my leg and bite it. How many times have I seen him sleeping and looking so sweet and beautiful I reach over to scratch under his chin. He lifts his head for a moment and I think, "Oh, he likes it!" About that time, he grabs my arm and bites me, drawing blood. Ok. I've had enough. Like any wounded animal, I retaliate. I smack the crap out him. Until he commands me to do otherwise.

Viva Las Vegas

My husband and I recently took a trip to Las Vegas to celebrate our 25th anniversary. It was a lot of fun, but I gotta say, I have never felt more like a midwestern girl. The pace there is crazy, not to mention the whole Vegas experience.
A few things I found extremely amusing.
First, people watching is a blast in Vegas. Every kind of person on Earth is represented there. I really wish I could have surreptitiously taken pictures of the various characters we saw. We saw a little old lady with a cane at the slot machine with little gray pig tails. It was so cute! One guy was wearing a yellow and orange plaid suit with a matching cap. That it is to say nothing of the numerous Elvi (that's plural Elvis) and show girls, Zorro, mermaids and hookers. Many things are legal in Vegas that aren't here, including prostitution. Ads for girls are even on the city buses! (They don't call it Sin City for nothing!)
On our tour of the Hoover Dam we went on, we were given coupons for various things such as complimentary drinks with purchase of an entree, free show, discounted tickets, etc. One, I had to wonder how many people actually used. It was for an exotic pet store specializing in ferrets and monkeys. MONKEYS??? Do people look at the coupon and say to themselves, I've always kind of wanted a monkey. Now that I have this 10% off coupon, it has just put it over the top. I'm getting one TODAY!!! How do you get a monkey home? Stuff it in your suitcase? Buy it a seat on the plane? Pretend it is your carry-on bag?? Either way, we managed to leave without buying a monkey. (I know, unbelievable.)
We did however purchase 18" tall maragritas. They also have them twice that size with a neck strap attached so you can walk around and suck down your alcohol at the same time!! Talk about convenience!
I was also amused by the difference between the flight there and the flight back. On the flight there, everyone was excited, talking, laughing. On the ride home, everyone slept.

Torture

You know the person who invented the machine used for a mammogram is a man. No woman would invent a machine designed to pull and smash their breasts.
To check and see if you have any cancerous masses, your breast must be splayed out on a platter and smashed between two plates. God help you if you have really small breasts. If that's the case, the technician is forced to pull flesh from your back in order to have enough to lay out. When it is placed properly, your breast looks like a pancake. Not the nice, fluffy pancakes from IHOP, the crappy homemade pancakes you put too much water in that never really rise and stick to the pan.
Men gripe because they heve to turn their heads and cough. I want to see them after having a MANogram.

Rolls

I have found a new...thing. Well, okay the thing is not new, but I have found new and inventive uses for it. It is the hot roll.
Yesterday I decided to be domestic and make hot rolls. From scratch. Okay, anyone who knows me is now scratching their head, saying, WHAT!!!!
The good news is, everyone survived.
The hot rolls I made were...unique. They were golden brown. They looked delicious. The only problem is they were also very heavy. I mean HEAVY. I went to take them out of the oven and had to have my husband spot me. I caught my daughter doing curls with one in each hand. The sad part is, they were actually making her sweat!
One fell off the table and I feared for my dog's life. I prayed he wasn't under there. (He wasn't. He survived.)
The other good news is I have found other uses for hot rolls.
These are the perfect party food. Have your guests had too much to drink? Get out the hot rolls. These babies will absorb all the alcohol from their system. In addition, they will expand to twice the size of their stomach, causing intense sleepiness. "Oh, Christine. Wonderful party. I just need to go home and take a nap now." (These are particularly wonderful if you are having a party wih young people who want to party all night long. Hey, I'm too old for that!)
Another money saver is if you are serving food at your party. Did you not buy enough hamburgers? No worries. Serve hot rolls. The guests will be too full to eat a hamburger anyway. These rolls can also be used as party favors. You can use them as baseballs or bowling balls (maybe not, they wouldn't roll very straight). Someone tick you off? Hit 'em in the head, then eat the murder weapon.
I'm thinking I will make them again. This I time I will serve them with ranch dressing.

Shopping

The other night, my friend and I were talking about shopping. Now, she is one of those people who loves to shop. "I love to just walk around and look at EVERYTHING! I can walk around Walmart for three hours and love it!"
Sometimes it amazes me that we are friends.
I mean, I can barely stand to walk around Walmart for three minutes, much less three hours. I pretty much despise shopping under almost any circumstances. I do have a sister who has the same shopping philosophy as myself--get in, get what you want, get out. I have another sister, who, while she may shop quickly, we don't shop for clothes because we don't shop in the same section. This sister is very little and shops in the junior section. My clothes come from the "big, fat broad" section of the store.
Others in my family are the ultra-specific shoppers (remember the shorts, Mom?), who must have a certain shade, certain length, certain fabric, certain price, certain heel, certain texture, certain cuff, etc., etc., etc. Yet another is what I call the remorseful shopper. She looks, picks something up, puts it in her cart and walks around the store with it, only to be plagued with buyer's remorse BEFORE we even get to the check-out stand. "Oh, I'm not going to buy this." The disregarded item then gets discarded into whatever section we are in when the Earth-shattering decision is made. Shirts are now poked in the freezer goods. Socks shoved into bath mats. Jeans in with appliances. You get the picture.
I have to admit, I kind of like shopping with other people's money. Every year, my mom takes me shopping for my birthday. That is kind of fun. Since my birthday is in the winter, I am shopping for clothes that cover all of my body, like jeans, skirts, etc. Absolutely never looking at dreaded items like swimsuits or shorts. (These are not fun to shop for even with someone else's money.)
Speaking of money, that may be another reason why I don't like to shop. I am a cheapskate. My friend who likes to shop said she likes to just look at things, with no intention of buying anything. I think that is just teasing. It's like holding a cookie just out of reach of a child. If I am going to spend my time wandering around Walmart, I am damn sure walking out with something. I deserve it. That is my reward for shopping.