First Try

First of all, I work for a small community newspaper. One of the ironies of my job is that I write a cooking column., The irony is--I hate to cook and basically suck at it. This is anarticle I wrote one time when I was desparate and had no one who was willing to do be featured that week.


I find myself in the position of having no cook this week and I seem to have run out of friends, husbands, anyone who owed me a favor and everyone I have ever threatened. Therefore, you, the readers will have to make do with my own brand of baloney. Today, you are invited to come into my kitchen; and a scary place it is.
After two years of writing this column, I have to ‘fess up. I truly worship those people who cook or bake (or broil or grill). Though I very much enjoy eating, I don’t really cook. When I began this job and told my family about this column, there was uproarious laughter from my mom and sisters (to say nothing of my husband and kids). During a lull in the hysterical guffawing, my sister gasped, “I guess you don’t have to actually cook to do that, huh?”
This week’s “Come Into My Kitchen” column is written for those of us who call ourselves cooks only in the broadest sense of the word; those that compare the task of cooking with cleaning the toilet or scrubbing the floor - a necessary evil. Me, I cook with what can best be described as “home assembled” recipes rather than “homemade.” (By the way, I despise baking, so there will be no recipes for baked goods. Cookies are made by the Keebler elves and sold at Dillons. If you want donuts, go to Noah’s.)
I used to actually bake birthday cakes for my poor, unfortunate children when they were little (before they were old enough to laugh, be embarrassed or know what cakes were supposed to look like). Their birthday cakes inevitably looked like they had been dropped in the street and either kicked or run over by a car. They were truly the ugliest cakes you have ever seen. In my own defense, they did taste okay. (That is, if you could bring yourself to put it in your mouth!)
I am putting in today’s column several recipes for the “gastronomically challenged” as well as some helpful tips I have learned the hard way, to help you get through your meals.
First tip: Learn the phone numbers of all local restaurants. Put them on speed dial if necessary.
Second: Everything tastes better with ranch dressing. (At least everything I make does.) After extensive research, my daughter and I have determined that almost every meal can include ranch dressing. Not only does it top a salad, but it also makes an exceptional dip for almost anything. You can dip veggies, chicken or pizza crust into it. It makes fish sticks edible as well as covering up a host of culinary blunders.

Did you cook that hamburger a tad too long? Put a little ranch on it and that charred taste disappears. Out of salsa sauce (another kitchen staple)? Tortilla chips are great dipped in ranch and it can even be put on breakfast burritos.
Third: Take advantage of all convenience foods. It is nothing to be ashamed of to use spaghetti sauce out of a can or jar. Frozen foods are one of the major food groups. Hot dogs and macaroni and cheese can be a meal if you’re feeling low on cash or ambition. I’m sure it is nutritionally sound. After all, you have your bread (the bun), meat (so to speak), and milk groups (in the mac and cheese). All you need is a veggie or fruit. Open a can of corn, pears or peaches and be guilt-free. Actually, a hot dog with everything probably already has the veggies. I mean isn’t relish a little chopped onion considered vegetables?
Fourth: Use lots of cheddar cheese! Cheddar cheese goes on top of just about everything. (When you see my recipes, you will no doubt notice a pattern.) Cheddar also helps give that “homemade” look. Cheddar cheese sprinkled on a frozen pizza looks like maybe you made it yourself.
People are always commenting, “You must love getting all those recipes.” Well, as you have probably realized by now, I rarely use any of the wonderful recipes seen here. While I greatly admire those people with the ability and/or desire to cook, I personally would love it if I never had to cook another meal. (If there was a cooking fairy, I would beg him or her to live at my house!) If I had the money, I would eat out all the time or hire a cook or have all my meals catered.
I do give one of my sisters all the dessert recipes, however. She thinks she hit the mother lode! She loves to bake and does it to relax for goodness sakes! (“What are you doing?” “Oh, just baking 73 dozen cookies. I’ve had a rough week.”) Personally, I think she is just sick, sick, sick.
The spaghetti recipe I included is called “The World’s Fastest and Easiest Spaghetti.” I defy anyone to make spaghetti any faster or easier using real noodles. (No frozen or canned spaghetti allowed!) If anyone knows an easier and /or faster one, my hat goes off to you!
The recipe for “Breakfast Burritos” makes an exceptionally fast and simple lunch, brunch or supper. I do doctor them up a little more for supper by adding onions, peppers, mushrooms or whatever. My kids leave off the eggs and just have cheddar wrapped in a tortilla. Nothing beats a 30-second snack.

Another meal we like, though it is more time consuming, is burritos. They are a favorite of the kids and I usually have leftovers even with a teenage boy in the house. You know what leftovers mean? An even quicker lunch tomorrow!
Other quick and easy meals we have are tacos, tater tot casserole and in the summer, salad. (You can buy salad in a bag! Just add tomatoes and of course, cheddar cheese.)
By the way, there is nothing wrong with paper plates. Why would you want to spend more time doing dishes than you spent fixing dinner?
Obviously, you don’t have to be a chef to be featured in the “Come Into My Kitchen” column. (For those of you who say, ‘I don’t cook.” Bull. Every household has someone who cooks (even if they don’t like it!).
To save yourself from future visits into my kitchen, volunteer to be featured as the cook. You could also volunteer a friend, a neighbor or an acquaintance. One of your siblings probably did something to you in childhood that you owe them for. Give me their name and I will call them to be the cook. I can be reached at The News, Monday through Friday, 555-5555.

Favorite Recipes

THE WORLD’S FASTEST &
EASIEST SPAGHETTI
1 can spaghetti sauce (or jar)
1 pound hamburger
1 handful spaghetti noodles or linguini
(about 1-inch in diameter)
Onion, diced (if desired)
Mushrooms (optional)
Cheddar cheese

In a big pot, bring water to a boil. Put in raw hamburger, onion and spaghetti noodles, broken into thirds. Boil it all for approximately eight minutes. Pour contents of pot into a strainer to drain, then into a baking dish. Add spaghetti sauce and mushrooms and stir together. Put cheddar cheese on top. (I think about a ton of cheese is the right amount!) Put in microwave for five minutes. Eat it.
This can be served with bread sticks from Dillons or bread and butter.

BREAKFAST BURRITOS
3 eggs
2 tortillas
Cheddar cheese


Break eggs into a bowl and beat them. Scramble them on medium heat. While they cook, put cheddar cheese on tortillas. Heat tortillas with cheese on them for 30 seconds each, until cheese is melted. Put eggs into tortillas. Can add salsa or ranch dressing. Roll it up and eat it. Makes a great lunch especially if you are in a hurry.

BURRITOS
1 pound hamburger
1 pkg. tortillas
2 cans refried beans
Cheddar cheese
Taco seasoning
Salsa and sour cream if desired

Brown hamburger and drain grease; rinse. Add refried beans and salsa sauce to taste. Add 1/2 package taco seasoning. Spread mixture onto tortilla and sprinkle with cheese. Roll it up. Continue until you run out of stuff. Bake at 350 degrees approximately 15 minutes or until hot. Can be put in the microwave if you’re in a hurry.