Big Panties

Gotta say, I'm kind of having a "Big Panty" day. I don't know what you call them, but that's what I call them. For those of you who are young, guys, newlyweds (that's anyone who has been married less than half their life)or any combination of the above, I will explain. Big Panty days are those days when you wake up and your nose is kind of stopped up, your face feels greasy, you walk into the bathroom, glance in the mirror and shriek (probably because in addition to your greasy face, you find a big red zit about to make its appearance and four new whiskers on your chin. Basically you feel really ugly and fat and just want to wear something comfortable and don't care if it matches or it's from the 70s or whatever.
Those are the days you open your drawer and dig to the bottom and find your big panties. The ones where half the elastic is hanging out, or have holes ot stains or what have you. The ones you should have already thrown away, but have never really gotten around to "just in case" you needed them. (You know you have them...it's those panties your mom always said NOT to be wearing if you were in a car wreck.) (Can't you hear the EMS now, "Man, she should have listened to her mama. That's probably why she got in this horrible, disfiguring, maiming accident. Because she was wearing her big panties. She should have known better!)
Now, I don't know what other people call those days and I'm basically just assuming guys have their own version of it, having never actually been a guy myself. (However, those chin whiskers are becoming more and more prevalent...)
Speaking of displaced hairs, have you ever noticed older men have little bushes growing out of their ears?? I used to think it was just because as it fell off their head, it just took root wherever it landed like in their ears or on their back. Now I have decided it's a self-preservation adaption that God gave them. It protects them from the savage spewing of the menopausal women around them.
As I've gotten older, I have noticed certain changes. The first thing I noticed was that all of a sudden, everyone around me started having a big bowl of Stupid in the morning. Then came the fact that no one seemed to noticed the temperature would just unexpectedly rise to like 300 degrees. (Why is no one else sweating?? Are they dead?)
In the middle of the night, for some odd reason, I wanted to shove my husband out of bed because he was sucking up all my air and of course, causing me to sweat like a pig.
Now of course, I have to come realize that as always, it's all about ME! I have to remember to be patient and hope their box of Stupid runs out soon. (My box of Grouch seems to be bottomless, so don't bet on it running out anytime soon. And I can chew on one bowl of Grouch for DAYS!)When the temperature rises, I just sit and fan and laugh it off (better to join in on the laughter than just feel like you're being laughed at). In the middle of the night, I get up and put my feet on cold tile. (It helps). Hopefully everyone around will me will survive the next decade or so.
Now that I think about it, I guess I would rather have a big panty day than a tiny hat day.