This last weekend I was dressing up for a wedding. Of course, I wanted to look my very best, so I decided to wear a corset under my dress. Now this sounds uneventful, except you CAN NOT put a corset on by yourself!!
First, there are approximately 500 hooks on a corset. Of course they are in back. For that reason, I employed my daughter to assist me as my own personal "Lady In Waiting."
She sweetly agreed to help me dress and grasped each side of my corset. Next, I heard grunting and groaning. Next, I hear grunting, groaning, panting and expletives as she tried to get the two sides to come to an understanding and meet somewhere in the middle. After several minutes of this, I feel her foot on my back as she leans backwards using all her strength and her body weight to maneuver the two sides to gether. "Man, ma, it's a good thing I've been working out!!"
After her 30 minute workout, the corset was finally in place and I tossed the dress over my head, only to find the zipper is on the side, under my left arm. How exactly am I supposed to zip such a thing up from that position?? Again, with a little assistance, I managed to zip my dress up.
After being completely dressed, I proceded to the wedding. What I had not considered was the actual WEARING of the corset through the ceremony. Being Catholic, the wedding was of course a bit longer than non-Catholic weddings. It also entails standing, sitting, kneeling, standing, sitting, kneeling, standing, sitting, kneeling. I'm here to tell ya, those are not easy to do wearing a corset. As I sat on the pew, I could feel my ribs cracking under the strain. Every time I moved from one position to another, the ribs of my corset would bunch and crack more of my actual ribs.
The good news is, my mom told me I looked very nice and thinner. I just nodded and smiled. My lungs were crushed and I could not breathe enough to talk.
Needless to say, I couln't wait to get home and remove the torturous device. Of course I had to take someone with me to get the horrid thing off.
I had a bon fire that night.
2 comments:
That is extremely funny as I can picture you and your "lady in waiting." Oh that's right I was the lady in waiting to get the thing off. You did look very nice even with all those broken ribs.
Have I said it before? "Glad to be a guy!"
Comedian Jeff Allen says:
"I didn't know that when my wife wanted to be fit it meant the WE would do it together!"
"One night," says Allen, "My cell phone rings. It was my wife. She had gotten in the car to go the gym to work out. She forgot her purse. So calling from our driveway, she asks me to bring out her purse. 'What are you? Lazy?' I said. 'Hey kids, take Mom's purse to her out in the driveway!'"
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